Forgiveness is not the same as justifying, excusing, or forgetting. Forgiving is not the same as reconciling. Reconciliation requires that two mutually respectful people come together again.
Forgiveness is one person’s moral response to injustice that another has committed against her. One can forgive and yet not reconcile, as in the case of a wife continually mistreated by her partner.”
1- Forgiveness is available to everyone
“We have all felt that we have been harmed in one way or another at some point. It could be a parent who neglected us as children, a spouse who cheated on us, or a friend who was not there when they should have been, among other things.
Of course, some injustices are more serious than others, leaving far deeper and more lasting marks on our emotional health.
Enright proposes a four-phase model that he says has helped countless patients “overcome anxiety, depression, and resentment by allowing them to truly forgive.”
But even in those cases, it’s important to know that forgiveness is an option. “When others have treated us profoundly unfairly, we must have the tools to deal with it, so that the effects of that injustice don’t play out in an unhealthy way,” says Robert Enright. “Plus, you don’t need a mental health professional to teach you how to forgive. It’s something you can do on your own, as long as you know what steps to take,” he adds.
2- Forgiveness is a decision
The first step, according to the specialist, is to “decide that it is something (forgive) that we really want to do and not something that someone has pressured us to do.”
3- Make a list
As a preliminary step, Enright recommends making a list of all the people who have hurt us , no matter how small or large, from childhood to the present day.
Then we need to order the names from the lowest level of injustice and anger to the highest. And start the forgiveness process with the one who is at the bottom of the list.
Enright recommends making a list of all the people who have hurt us, no matter how small or large, from childhood to the present day.
“Starting with the tallest person on the list would be like asking someone who isn’t physically fit to run a marathon,” he says, adding, “Go through the process with someone who’s still bugging you first , and it’s not nice, but not overwhelming either. As you repeat the process moving higher and higher up the list, you’ll be fitter and better prepared to face the people who have really hurt you.”
4- Discovery in anger
This is the official beginning of Phase 1 of the Enright Forgiveness Model, and it is crucial in reinforcing the importance of forgiveness. “It’s kind of a checklist,” says Enright.
“How are you doing in terms of anger? How have you been denying it? Are you angrier than you thought you were? What are the physical consequences of your anger?” Fatigue is the most common physical complaint Enright hears , as is a pessimistic worldview: believing that no one can be trusted or that everyone is on their own.
“Once you look at those effects, the question is: do you want to heal?” Enright says, continuing: ” Which brings us to phase two: deciding to forgive.” You can learn to forgive and accept friends and family with these expert solutions to your everyday friendship problems.
Fatigue is the most common physical complaint Enright hears about.
5- Commit to forgive
Phase two is about reviewing the definition of forgiveness and committing to it. “Once people have completed phase one and have seen how the effects of their anger have made them unhappy, there is a tendency to try it,” says the specialist.
6- Consider the wounds of the other person
This step begins the “work” phase of the forgiveness model. The goal is to finally feel compassion for the other person, but not to start there. Instead, you have to think about them in a new way. How was that person hurt in life? How were they unfairly treated? Are they so hurt that they hurt you?
“We don’t do this to excuse their actions, but to see a vulnerable person, a scared person , maybe a confused person. Someone who is not infallible and all-powerful,” Enright maintains. These forgiveness quotes will also give another perspective on how to forgive.
How was that person hurt in life? How were they unfairly treated? Are they so hurt that they hurt you?
7- Consider the humanity of the other person
After assessing the person’s injury, consider how to share a common humanity . “You were both born, both will die, both will bleed when cut, you both have unique DNA and when you die, there will never be another person like you.
8- Feel a softening
It could take weeks or even months, but you should start to feel a change in your mind. “When the person’s feelings start to change, that’s the start of unhealthy anger starting to go away,” Enright says. “It’s a little glimmer of compassion.”
9- Endure the pain
Once a softening has begun to be felt, the next step is to accept the pain . “We don’t ask people to get rid of pain, but to stay strong with pain,” says Dr. That means not transmitting your pain to others, in many cases to offspring.
10- Personal gift
Enright encourages doing something good to those who hurt us in a creative way. “If the person is a danger to you, you don’t have to let them know you’re doing this. It is in our culture as humans to give presents for people who we want to forgive us.
11- Begin the discovery phase
This is the fourth and final phase of the forgiveness model . “In general, people are more aware of the hurts in the world.
12- Repeat, repeat, repeat
Since you probably didn’t start this process with the person you hurt the most, you have to repeat the process with each person you hope to forgive.